There's a reason why I sometimes just want to keep my eyes shut.
I don't wanna look.
I don't wanna see it.

mood: Distant.

I'm actually not sure how to answer this.
I'm not sure of one moment in exact time that I'd go to, because there are a few that stick out in my mind.
I guess if i had to choose one, though, I'd want to relive that first time that Nick told me he loved me.
It was the first time I'd spent time with him, alone. We had the house to ourselves for almost a week because his mom was away.
We'd wake up, and he'd go to school. And as soon as he came home, we'd cuddle back up on the couch.
I remember when we were laying on his bed, my head on his chest, and he spent a while stumbling over words.. Then finally he just said "Sherri?" and I said "hm?" wondering what it was that was that was making him act so funny, especially since he was breathing a little funny and wasn't saying much. He said "I love you," and all i could do was hug him even tighter, and say that i loved him too.
I think the reason that sticks out to me even more now than it already did is because I miss how close we were then.. I haven't spent time with him in a good while, and I just wish I could feel him beside me again. I miss feeling him cling to me as much as I was clinging to him, knowing that we needed each other in an alarming, but mutual way.
I certainly wouldn't do or say anything differently. It was pretty much a perfect moment. I'd never change it.


"I love you... when you squeak..."

mood: restless tags: relive, second chance, writer's block

I don't always have much to say when I get on here. Or, rather, I don't usually have the energy to say everything that's been happening and/or on my mind.
Things have been extremely busy, hectic and stressful lately. =/
I'm getting a temporary promotion and raise at work. They've made me seasonal keysholder. That pretty much just gives me a few more responsibilities and a slight raise from now til, like, the beginning of January. Pretty sweet.
I'm just afraid that, with holiday season here, I'll be working a lot... too much, actually, and won't get to see Nick much. =/
Things have been really tough recently with us. He's going through a lot, and I'm just trying to be there for him, but.. it's just all very stressful and I'm hoping that he'll give me time to try to fix everything that's been messed up. We seem okay right now, and I'm glad for that.
It still gives me butterflies just for him to call me "baby" or when he says that he misses me. For a little bit, we were both really distant, and I constantly felt like I was losing everything. I'm sure that's far from what he's been feeling, but I'm trying to be understanding.. he's got everyone leaning on him with noone for him to lean on.. I wanna be the one holding him up, if he'll let me.
We talked a lot of the stuff out a couple nights ago, on the phone. Since then, I feel like things have improved. It's good.
I still miss him a lot. Of course that won't change until I get to see him... We haven't hung out in almost three weeks. It's like torture.
But anyway, the point is.. with work, I'm afraid things will fall apart even more. But without work, I'm still screwed.
Hopefully, Nick and I can work this out. We've both agreed that we don't want to lose each other. I'm not so sure I could handle it.

I haven't been doing anything lately, so that is the geist of my update.
It's mostly rambling, I know. Once I start typing, thoughts pour out and it's not always in a completely logical order or in smooth writing.
Oh well.
I've just been working and then coming home to an empty apartment because G's been busy with her own stuff.
It's getting harder and harder for me to be by myself. Not so sure I can explain it.
The last two nights, I've been sleeping with Teddycat, a stuffed animal Nick gave me a couple of months ago.
It's cute.


I'm trying.

mood: Egh

So, for about an hour, now, i've been catching up on my best friend's life. Not in the proper way, though. I've just been reading her LJ entries from the last year and a half.
I'm sitting in the dark with a headache, straining my eyes to read the things that only disappoint me. and make me feel like a complete disappointment.
I feel like we haven't spoken in years.
It's almost like we don't know anything about each other's lives.
Well, not almost.. we pretty much don't.
I only knew vague details until now.
We never talk.
I guess i'm a crappy best friend.
I miss Brittany. A lot.
I'm a Skrink without her Skrod, and it's just not right.
But I haven't a clue when I'll be going back to SC to visit, so it just makes it worse knowing that I won't see her anytime soon.
I won't see anyone anytime soon.
It's just depressing.
In all honesty [and she knows all of this], I severely disapprove of pretty much everything she's doing now.
It's all about drugs, drinking, and sex. I hate it.
I mean, I'm not one to talk with the drinking and marijuana.
But I never wanted her to get so deep into drugs.
I guess it doesn't help that I also don't like most of the people she spends all of her time with.
To me, they are pretty much just a waste of air.
They do nothing but screw each other over... and then they hurt her.

No one hurts my Skrod.

I've already warned her what will happen if I come in swinging distance of these assholes when I get back to SC.
It's been almost a year since I last visited.
There's a lot to catch up on.

And the worst part about it all is that the only times we really talk is when something is wrong.
Like, she texts me when she's drunk and having a break down.
Or just randomly to say she misses me.
No other conversations occur.
I guess we're both to blame on that one.
I'm not there to protect her. To keep her out of all of this shit.
I hate what's happening.
She feels as if she's left adrift at sea, without a raft, and I'm not even there to fish her out.

I should probably get better at this whole best friend thing.
No that I'm taking all the blame.
I don't like to see her wasting her life.
[And, yes, Brittany, that's what you're doing and you know it.]
Those people are a waste of time. They're fucked in the head in a way that will only hurt you.
I don't like it.
I'm not going to like it.
And I won't sit and ignore it.
Even if I'm not there to stop this nightmare, I can still try to call her back from that jagged edge... even if I am 500 miles away.

I love you, Skrod.
I miss you entirely too much.

mood: uncomfortable

Try.

mood: calm tags: writer's block

It's been a dang good while since i've been up on the LJ thing. Things around here have been crazy. School's still gay. My fam isnt moving, though i very much so would like to leave them, and move somewhere else. Swimming is pretty.. iffy. Coaches are irritated with me. Friends are fed up. I'm sick and tired of everything. Boom. What-an-update.

I'd go into more detail, but i truly don't feel like it.

All i can say is that. I'm tired of constantly holding things in. Tired of biting my tongue. I wait my fair turn, then lash out finally. This is what i do now. I no longer contain myself, and become unable to be neither heard nor seen. I'm finished with shying away from problems, and people that throw crap my way. I get angry yes, but my anger helps me build up to where i've the guts to confront whom ever it should be directed towards. Most people know when to keep off, or stay out of my way. But those who do not, may unintendedly get their feelings hurt. I've self control, trust me. I do. Just don't get on my nerves, and we'll be fine.

mood: blank

So here's the scoop. Things lately have been going okay. Klouse came down and stayed last week, sun to fri. That was fun, and oh so crazy.

School will be starting up soon.. next Tuesday. blegh. I'm feelin the pressure to get my work done, which is bs. And i really dont like it at all. [who does] I've a few good friends that are coming back to my school, which makes me happy. This year may actually be better than i figured.. but i doubt it when it comes to the actually [school] part. heh.

I have a lot a problems ok. But i dont tell barely anyone about them, bc there are so many, and they're usually very confusing and i doubt anyone has the mental capacity nor patience to hear them. So i keep to myself. I think over things constantly, so sometimes i get sad or upset outta nowhere, and ppl dont get it. But what i hate most is when i actually do say something about maybe one or two issues of mine, ppl are like "cheer up cheer up. it's not the end of the world". I on this, i call BS. Because the things that upset usually have to do with my whole world, my friends/loved ppl. So basically, they dont get it. I'm glad they care and all, but still. Dont say you understand when you dont. I dont want to annoy ppl with it, so even when they ask what's up, i dont wanna say, bc they're probably just asking out of nosyness/being "thoughtful". Blegh. I cant talk too well right now, i hate that. So lately, and for now, I just deal with it all. I hide it, i dont care. Everything gets to me of course, but i ignore it so no one goes
and "worries" about me. I dont want pity nor false hopes. So dont try.

"I think you can do much better than me
after all the lies tht i made you believe
guilt kicks in and i start to see
the edge of the bed where your nightgown used to be
i told myself i wont miss you
but i remember
what it feels like beside."

mood: apathetic music: Hinder - better than me

So yeah. It's been a while since I've written here. I'm still having the whole "major stress" thing going.

The girl thing didn't work out.. idc. I'm over it.

But now it seems, i've new issues. And problems. And ickyness. I seem to have managed to get into a bit of a mess with 2 very close friends of mine. It's horrible. With one, we've resolved it. But only on account that the 3rd one messed up majorly. That's yet to be worked out. I love this person like there's no tomorrow.. but i can not guarantee anything good between us for the time being. She lied and decieved me. I've been made a fool of and i'm tired of it. This is not an issue of pride; but of respect, consideration, and honesty. So for the time being, i refuse to be considerate to someone who never was considerate of me.nor honest.or respectful. I dont know how it will come out, but one day it will. Maybe just not anytime soon. I can guarantee nothing to that.

On that note, i'm also thinking of just taking a break from everything. Keeping to myself. No friends. If i dont get into with my friends, i wont have too many problems. I need some alone time. I need to really get into my school work and all. So i dunno. I may do that. Just not mess with anyone. No friends. No no one.

I've not much else to say. I've had my venting for the time. Sorry to rant.

"I've been watching your world from afar
I've been tryin to be where you are
And i've been secretly falling apart. unseen.

To me. you're strange and you're beautiful
You'd be so perfect with me
But you just cant see.
You turn every head, but you dont see me.

----

Sometimes. the last thing you want comes in first.
Sometimes. the first thing you want never comes.
I know. that waiting is all you can do.
Sometimes."

mood: contemplative

Wow. It's been a while since i've updated. I havnt really been messin on my computer too much lately except for AIM and Yahoo! to keep in touch with ppl for swimming and stuff. Other than that, i've been doin nothing. Thankfully our summer league team only has 2 swim meets left...Camden on Saturday and then the Aquatics(championship kinda) in Kershaw next thursday. Should be fun... mhm. Well ima go work out while i've got this t.A.T.u. cranked up.. later kids.

mood: determined music: t.A.T.u.

I still haven't found a job.. talk about stress. My sister just wont let me live!! goodness. lol But i finally have something to distract me from not having a job and my summer school work.. our summer swim league has started up again. I'm completely ecstatic about it of course. We had our first meet yesterday and of course we won. We are the "Lancaster Sharks".. really scary right? We're actually the best in our small league of 4 teams.. there's us, Camden, Kershaw, and, my fav, Chester. We are to go against Chester tomorrow, so i'll get to see a few old friends again. I really cant wait.
But this summer work is screaming my name, so i should probably get to it... i am running out of time for it.. slowly but surely i am. lol later kids.

location: home sweet home mood: ecstatic

Oh my gerrr... i do not understand half of the lingo that flies thru LJ.. i really dont. Sorry yall, but ima Myspace kid. So i dont completely catch on to.. making icons.. doing up/downloads. I just cant catch onto it. Why must it be so comp-li-ca-ted!?!?! *deep breath* sry yall. Ive just been having major confusion headaches from tryin to download diff tv show eps frm diff communities.. and half the time idk how. So, as a cry for help,...HELP ME!!! if there is anyone out there that can help me spruce up my LJ and maybe even explain how this stuff works.. theyd be my hero... though i doubt anyone will even see this. But, hey, i tried. lol im goin to go and make another attempt at those Alias eps.. geez.

Oh man. This summer really sucks so far. I havnt really done anything.. cept hang out with Skully once.. and then i had to do some really crappy Student Counsel stuff yesterday at school. blah. But it's alrite i guess caus now i gotta find a summer job. My sister made a deal with deddy tht if we both get jobs we can get a car to share. She'll use it for summer work.. n i use it for school when it comes back around. But yeah.. i gotta get a job first! ugh. im horrible with tht kinda thing too.. so horrible. i cant just go up n ask a stranger for an application to a place tht i dnt even kno is hirin or not.. grr. oh well. i will just have to get it all delt with eventually.

tags: ~the feeling is criminal~

so yeah.. i didnt go to school today, which was awesome. i basicly laid in bed till 12 or so.. and then got up and cleaned the house(which i made 10 bux from). i spent the rest of the time snackin down and downloading Degrassi episodes. It's so good. I hate the fact that i dont have satellite tho.. ugh. Caus i cant watch my fav show.. Instant Star.. nor can i watch Degrassi. it gets me very frustrated sometimes! but oh well. ill stick with downloading each episode as they come.. which means tht i cant wait til they get the new episode of Instant Star up.. i wanna see it so bad! grrr. daggum im tired.. phew.

Mk. So i have now gotten a live journal. crazy. I've had a Myspace forever and just recented got a Xanga. SO ill be plenty busy with all this stuff. lol Umm yesterday the Dead Poets Society had a poetry readin at Cop-A-Squat.. it went pretty well.. I said goodbye to a good friend which was sad. But afterwards we all went to McDonalds.. and i saw 2 old friends... that made me pretty happy tho. Everything's goin purdy dang well for me right now.. which is a deff relief. ahh *breath of fresh air* mk laters then. ~sherri~